What Does It Mean to Identify With the Self?By Tchiki Davis, M.A., Ph.D.
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✓ Learn about the four stages between awakening & enlightenment ✓ Get exercises to progress Sign up below to get our FREE eBook. What Does It Mean to Identify With the Self-Concept?Prior to awakening, experiences like these seem to generate well-being (or happiness) because we are identified with them. In other words, we feel like we are certain experiences. So, having these experiences reinforces our sense of self. This strengthening of the self makes us feel good (temporarily).
Positive Identification For example, if someone compliments our appearance, we feel good because we believe we are our physical self. If someone we like asks us on a date, we feel good because we believe we are our social self. If we get an award, we feel good because we believe we are our achiever self. If someone agrees with our opinion, we feel good because we believe we are our mental self. These experiences increase our well-being (temporarily) by strengthening our self-concept. Unfortunately, all experiences are temporary. So, no experience can ever result in the permanent, unshakable well-being that we desire. Negative Identification The same thing is true for ill-being (or unhappiness). For example, if someone makes fun of our appearance, we feel hurt because we believe we are our physical self. If someone rejects us, we feel hurt because we believe we are our social self. If we fail to get the job we want, we feel hurt because we believe we are our achiever self. If someone disagrees with our opinion, we feel bad because we believe we are our mental self. These experiences decrease our well-being (temporarily) by weakening our self-concept. But again, all experiences are temporary. So, experiences can also never result in permanent ill-being. Searching for the Self in Experience Even though permanent well-being can not be found in experience, searching for well-being in experience is a normal part of our development. By bringing awareness to these experiences (usually many times over the course of many years), we eventually see that permanent well-being can not be found in any experiences. For example, maybe we discover that no matter what we accomplish, it never makes us happy. Or maybe we find that no matter how much money we make, we’re never satisfied. Or maybe we see that no relationship ever completely meets our needs. Or maybe we learn that no amount of meditation is enough to create permanent peace. Although I might tell you that permanent happiness can not be found in any experience, most people need to keep looking until they realize this for themselves. This was certainly true for me. For many of us, this ‘seeking and not finding’ process pushes us to look for happiness in more and more places until we eventually exhaust ourselves, realizing that lasting happiness can not be found in any experience. How Stages of Development Affect IdentificationHumans go through a predictable series of developmental stages, starting at the time we are born. As we move into each new developmental stage, our awareness expands, leading us to add new features to our self-concept (e.g., Cook-Greuter, 2014).
In my book, The Path To Well-Being, I describe all of the developmental stages that lead us from birth to full enlightenment, like they are colors in a rainbow. If you want to learn more about all the developmental stages, you can grab my free Path To Well-Being workbook here: berkeleywellbeing.com/path-to-well-being-book Here is a quick overview of these developmental stages and the part of the self-concept that becomes most prominent in each stage (e.g., Cook-Greuter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010; O’Fallon, 2020; Wilber, 2000; Wilber, 2024; Woods, 2022). Pre-Conventional Stages
Video: How Identification Changes Across StagesDevelopment = Identifying With Even More ThingsAs we move into each new developmental stage (prior to 5th person perspective), we add more to our self-concept. For example, when we move from the social self (2nd person perspective) to the doer self (3rd person perspective; usually in high school or college), we begin to form a new identity as an independent agent or doer. We still have a social self with all of its social needs, preferences, and desires. However, we can also see that we have different characteristics than our family and childhood friends. Thus, the self-concept (or identity) gets more and more complex as we move through adult development.
How Does Identification Work?So, our experiences seem to generate well-being because we are identified with them—in other words, we think our experiences are us.
To better understand what I mean, let’s use a metaphor. If you observe carefully, you will notice that awareness is in the background of all your experiences, observing or witnessing them, almost like it’s looking through you (i.e., your self-concept) like a camera. So think of yourself like you are a camera. Awareness is looking through you at the world. It zooms in and out. It focuses on things. But it can’t see the entire world. It only sees what can be viewed through you, the camera. In a way, a camera holds experiences inside of it. For example, if a camera is pointed at a flower, that flower appears to be an image on the lens—it appears to be a part of the camera at that moment. If a photo is taken, that image stays inside the camera on the film or memory card and remains a part of the camera for some time. The same is true for you. Awareness looks through you. If awareness is looking at an emotion, for example, you feel like the emotion is part of you. It feels like the emotion is you because it’s right there on your lens! How Do We Get Out of This Identification Trap?Let’s continue using the camera metaphor to understand what happens when we move through the stages of development.
Pre-conventional stages (1st and 2nd person perspective) In the earliest stages of human development (at birth), we are all the way zoomed in. In early childhood, we are only aware of our own physical body and sensations, and then we begin to become aware that other people exist separate from us and that they have their own desires and experiences separate from ours. This process is sometimes referred to as Theory of Mind, and it generally arises in early childhood (Frith & Frith, 2005). For most of us, this evolves into a self-concept that includes our family, close peers, social group, or small community (2nd person perspective; Cook-Grueter, 2014). Conventional stages (3rd person perspective) As we move into the conventional stages of development, awareness zooms out a bit more, and we become increasingly aware of our separation from others. Many of us begin to discover our unique characteristics and the ways in which we are different from those around us. This gives rise to the belief in our own agency or doership. For example, you might notice that many young adults suddenly realize that they can choose to do things differently from their parents. If this perspective continues to expand, it will evolve into an understanding that our actions affect our outcomes. Post-conventional stages (4th person perspective) If we move into the post-conventional stages of development, awareness zooms out even more, and we start to see the context in which individuals, small groups, and larger societies operate. We might see how thoughts, perspectives, and beliefs arise in particular societies or in particular situations, for example. This evolves into an understanding that although we have control over some of our actions and outcomes, much of our beliefs and patterns arise as a result of social conditions (or genetics) that we have absolutely no control over. If this perspective continues to expand, awareness zooms out as much as the camera allows. Awareness wants to zoom out more, but this is as far as the camera goes—we’ve fully explored the world using the camera (i.e., our self-concept). Thus, there is a big perspective shift that needs to happen for us to keep growing. Transcendent stages (5th and 6th person perspective) If we take the leap, we often reidentify as awareness and begin to see glimpses of what the world looks like when we’re not looking through the camera (i.e., when we’re not looking through the self-concept). Over time, we re-observe everything from this new perspective, and we see that because we can observe it, it is not who we are. Every experience that once seemed like ‘the self’ starts to look like an image on a lens. And everything that once threatened our ‘self’ seems silly—it’s just what we are looking at; it’s not who we are. As a result, we slowly stop identifying with experiences. Once we have disidentified with external experiences—like money, achievement, relationships, etc…—awareness starts to observe the mechanisms of the camera itself. We see that the whole picture-taking, zooming-out, focusing-in process was simply an activity of the camera and not what we are. In other words, we disidentify from the sensations that make things like free will, the self, and suffering seem real. And finally, awareness turns back on itself. Awareness sees that because it can observe itself, even it is not what we are. We now no longer identify with anything—not concepts, beliefs, thoughts, emotions, actions, physical sensations, external objects, or even awareness. We are totally free because we are not identified with anything, and everything that arises feels miraculous because it is totally free. Identification with Self - WorksheetDownload the following worksheet HERE to explore what aspects of the self you identify with.
Worksheet: Exploring Identification with the Self
Before awakening, we often confuse who we are with our experiences, roles, or possessions.
This exercise helps you notice where you feel identified and reflect on how it impacts your sense of well-being.
Reflection prompts: Final Thoughts on Identification with SelfIn review:
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